Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Starting a new journey

Well, here I am.  Almost 14 weeks pregnant, and at home. Because of changes at Casas, I went ahead and left my position there early.  Although I won't be offically done with work until June 30th, I'm using up almost all of June with vacation days- so I've had a lot of time at home.

I'm not dealing with it well.  I get antsy when I'm not busy.  Never in my life have I not been a provider for myself- so being at home with no children yet- well, I feel like I'm sponging off Jason.  It's not a good feeling.  I feel bored and unproductive...I've cleaned all I can clean.  Cleared out all I can clear for a garage sale.  I've worked on projects, I do my exercises and take care of the animals, and I still have 4-5 hours every day where I feel "lost" in this transition.  Jason encourages me to "play some games.  Enjoy this time to yourself", but it doesn't seem right to me.  If he's working, I should be working.  I've never been good with "free time".

This is not to say I don't love being pregnant or the new phase of life I'll enter in 5 months.  I've been ready to be a mom for a long time, and it's been my heart's desire (whether I recognized it or not) for as long as I can remember.  Being pregnant has brought with it both joys and worries, which I think is pretty common for all first-time moms.  I love watching how my body is changing and adapting to grow, but at the same time, I get a little sad every time the scale inches higher (which it has a little faster than it should, to be honest).  I'm excited to do all the planning to prepare for children, but nervous that without my job, our income is going to go down, so I get nervous about how we're going to pay for everything.  That actually makes me not plan too much- the cheapskate in me won't buy things.  I'm looking forward to the time when I actually "show" and look pregnant, but that's coupled with the ever-growing fear I have about my darn propensity for blood clots.  The further along I go, the higher the risk I'll develop them.  And although I take a shot of a blood thinner every day, that doesn't guarantee I won't get them.  *sigh*.

And then there's the fact we're having twins.  Whew.  I always, my whole life, said I didn't want twins.  Always.  I was dead-set against it.  Just the day before we found out we were having 2 babies, I wondered what I would think if the doctor told us we were having two, and I actually got teary...with sadness!  But then the next day, when that ultrasound showed two little sacs and then two fluttering heartbeats- well- I was in love, of course.  God knew all along that my head and my heart in this matter weren't in line.  It's still a lot to take in.

Baby "A" who's farther down.
 So much money- I'll need double of everything.  I'd like to use cloth diapers- that cost up front will be huge.  We'll need a different vehicle.  All the clothes, supplies- and then....breastfeeding two babies instead of one!  Oh- the first few months scare me with how tired and drained I will be.

Baby "B" who'll be by my ribs and was very squirmy!
 I know. I know....all my Christian friends will jump at the opportunity to tell me that we have double blessings and that God's got it all in control...and I know that too.  That doesn't stop the very real worries from creeping in.  Thankfully, God knows I've got the brain of a human and not His brain, so He can deal with my fears and doubts like a Father does with His children.

Such a weird trasition I'm in- saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new within a 5 month window.  5 months.  And then there's part of me (a BIG part) that's already ready for them to just BE here- selfishly- so I'll feel productive and functional again- so we'll be over the blood clotting scares- so the new chapter will just start.

Don't misunderstand- I am thrilled that we have two little miracles growing in me.  I was amazed at our 12 week ultrasound when we saw those babies kicking and punching and turning!  I'm just struggling to find my place in this very weird transition time.