So, my heart broke a little bit tonight. I'm watching Katy's two kids while she takes a much needed break away...some Katy time with her friends to go see a movie. I love these kids. Mia is full of ideas. Jax is restless and inquisitive. We've played some games. They've attacked me on the floor. We've had our evening snack, and they were enjoying Curious George...well...Mia is more than Jax.
Jax just didn't want to sit still. I can't blame him. If I could muster up energy at 9pm, I wouldn't want to sit still either. I snuck away to the "game room" (so they named it. It's actually our study, but also where Jason stores his wonderland of a game collection) to put something away, and Jax followed me in....and he was followed by Sammy and soon after, Pancake.
He played with the animals and got excited about every game he saw. Then, he noticed a picture up high on a shelf. It's a picture of my mom and dad. It's at Christmas time, and my mom is standing behind my dad, laughing the biggest laugh I've ever seen from her. It's my favorite picture of the two of them together. Mom was healthy then.
"LOOK!" Jax screamed. "It's Mike and Pat!" (which are the names of Amy's parents, who were just in town.)
"Nope, those are my parents."
"Can I see?"
So, I brought the picture down to his level.
"Who are them?"
"That's my dad. His name is Bob."
"Who's the pretty grandma?" Jax asked.
And this is where my heart broke. My mom is so sick right now. In the last stages of her battle with stage 4 renal-pelvic cancer which has spread to her liver, she's no longer walking, lives in pain constantly, and is very, very confused. The doctors have given her 1-2 months to live, and that diagnosis came a few weeks ago. She is no longer the laughing woman in the photograph, but a shell of the mom I know. She does, however, remain my hero and the most beautiful person I've ever met. Even Jax noticed it.
"That's my mom," I said, through a choked up voice I was trying to hide. "Her name is Darlene."
"I like her," Jax said. And then he was off to admire another game.
Potentially the greatest desire of my heart which will never go fulfilled is for my children to know the beautiful soul and heart so full of Christ's love that dwells inside my mom. They'll never get to know that "pretty lady". They'll just have my stories. I miss her already, and she's not even gone yet. She'll be so much happier in Heaven, where she'll be freed from her pain and suffering. That doesn't mean I don't selfishly mourn, in advance, the opportunities I'll never have with her.
She is pretty...and her name is Darlene.